The Most Epic Email Conversation Ever Written
by Unicorn And Freaky
Summary: Randomness, and more randomness. Awkward moments Draco and Hermione will encounter during their last Hogwarts year.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: We do not own anything! All belongs to J.K Rowling**

**A/N: Well, this is random. We don't know when this story takes place and we don't know how this story will end… It's random okay? **

**Now the absolutely absurd story by ThreeUnicorns and FreakyElla begins…**

**The most epic e-mail conversation ever written**

Hermione knew she liked Draco. Draco knew he liked Hermione. They didn´t know how to express their feelings, so they snogged and shagged the daylights out of each other instead.

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><p>While shagging the daylights out of each other, something that was not allowed to happen occurred.<p>

"Hey mates" said an unsteady voice.

Malfoy let out a sigh, though not due to pleasure.

Hermione sat up and straightened out her skirt.

"Neville, what on earth are you doing here?"

* * *

><p>"I'm looking for my frog. Have you seen him? He likes to hide in the sheets.. " Neville said and pointed at the bed Hermione and Draco was on.<p>

"I hope you didn´t mash him. I mean if you were not being careful. Oh! I mean, I suppose you were being careful, I hope you was being careful, but you weren´t being careful-gentle you know.. You could have easily mashed my frog, oh.. Isn´t that blood!."

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><p>Hermione realized she had reacted too slowly when she saw Draco's wand point at Neville. He mumbled something under his breath and suddenly Neville was hit by what Hermione suspected was a Petrificus Totalus curse.<p>

"And in what way did you find that necessary?"

Malfoy smirked.

"He annoyed me."

* * *

><p>"Ah", Hermione said and pushed Draco back on the bed and they started to shag like bunnies again.<p>

* * *

><p>Hermione was totally under Draco's spell. Why had they never done this before? Her thoughts were interrupted by a cough.<p>

"OHMYGOD Neville just go!" Hermione said, not wanting to stop the shag like bunnies part. Somewhere behind her she heard how the door was slammed shut. Glad to be completely alone again she smiled while she snogged Draco a little more.

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><p>"God", Hermione outburst when she gained her sense again. "Neville just saw us shag!"<p>

Draco lifted his left blond brow ever so slightly.

"So? We were fantastic! Nothing to be ashamed of!"

* * *

><p>Draco's face crumpled up in light pain because of the hit Hermione gave him on the shoulder. But it still didn't wipe off that smirk on his face. She couldn't understand how he could be so indifferent about what just happened. She felt like sinking through the ground of shame and was eternally happy that Draco was so much bigger than her, so Neville hopefully didn´t see so much of her where she lay beneath him.<p>

Even though the shame almost ate her up she couldn't help but smile when she looked up at him. Who knew that there was a nice side of him. Who knew that they fit together like a hand in a glove, both emotionally and physically. Not to mention the fantastic sex. All this made her smile widen and she realized that she was happy. Brutally happy for the moment. She hoped this feeling would never go away, but who knew what would happen in the future? Or next week. Or tomorrow...

* * *

><p>Hermione woke up slowly, not really wanting to. The dream had been so good, so much better than reality. She turned around in the bed, hitting something that was not a soft pillow.. <em>MERLIN'S PANTS,<em> she thought and opened her eyes.

"MALFOY WE FELL ASLEEP!"

"Mmmm, I don't want to go to school today mom…"

"Oh get yourself together, will you? Do you know what time it is? It's Monday, what if we missed first class?

Draco sat up in the bed.

"I don't know about you, but I'm more worried about breakfast." He noticed Hermione's nakedness. "On the other hand, we could just stay here.." He whispered, pulling her back down on the bed.

* * *

><p>Hermione was bewildered by her feelings and urges. She very much wanted to stay in bed all day with the lovely naked man next to her but on the other hand she couldn't risk missing class. She had a reputation to uphold!<p>

She started to untangle herself from him and his saltine sheets witch didn't please Draco at all. He mumbled something she couldn't hear but it was probably something unpleasant before he turned around and hid his face in the pillows with a sour expression on his face. Hermione was annoyed with his actions but couldn't help but smile. She lazily drove her hand over his bare back and whispered naughty things in his ear that made him wake up completely and almost jump up from the bed in order to dress himself. Hermione chuckled when she as well rose from the bed and started to pull on her clothes.

* * *

><p>"You know, I don't have much homework this week. What do you say about.. Erm.. Reexperience this encounter of ours later tonight?"<p>

Malfoy raised one eyebrow.

"Is that what you want, Granger?" he answered, pulling her into a hug.

Hermione smiled and went to get her pants on the chair and looked at the clock next to them. "So, I would not turn down breakfast right now. What do you say?"

Malfoy smiled, opened the door and together they walked towards the Great Hall. Half way there (they could already hear the regular breakfast gossip from the Hall) Malfoy, without looking at Hermione, grabbed her hand. Even if she had never imagined a Malfoy holding her hand, it felt kind of nice. Suddenly her thoughts were interrupted by her own stomach growling like a freaking bear. Food! Together, she and Draco walked through the huge doors into the Great Hall. Every other student stopped talking and turned towards the couple. She felt how everyone was staring at her and how Draco's hand let go of hers, leaving it hanging in the air with nothing better to do. Uhoh. This was not how it was supposed to happen.

* * *

><p>For a moment, they just stood there. Both of them were completely frozen to the ground, not moving an inch but with their minds reeling. This was certainly not how it was supposed to happen. Well Hermione hadn't exactly planned how it was supposed to happen, because she hadn't even given it a second thought. And neither had Draco, by the fact that he was mirroring her actions.<p>

Well wasn't this a tricky situation? Draco thought. Fortunately he was a man of quick actions and saw the opportunities he was offered. Usually he didn't like to run from situations he didn't like, he thought it was a sign of weakness. But now he had a weakness and she was standing right next to him. He really didn't feel like walking up to the Slytherin table and listen to all the questions and accusations. But he could manage. It was the thought of Hermione meeting the same faith he could not stand. So without much more thought, he once again reached for her hand. The moment their skin met, she turned to look at him. The look said it all. She trusted him and that was all he needed. Without breaking their gaze he apparated them away from the Great Hall's entrance and right under the pupils and teachers noses with a faint _"POOF"._ Ever grateful for the inter-apparate law that allowed the seventh years to apparate inside the castle.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: We're deeply sorry for the horrendous delay. It had simply not entered our minds, but that's about to change. We just want to remind you that this was originally an e-mail conversation and that the line indicates that it's a new writer. Now we proudly presents:**

**Chapter Two **

Hermione found herself standing at the top of one of the castle's tower. With Draco's hand still in hers, she looked outside the windows at the view.

"It's really beautiful here," she said, turning to face Draco. "But why here?"

"It was our third year and I was being chased by Filch for doing something really insignificant, when I accidentally found a secret passage way which lead here. I usually go here when I need to be alone.." Draco went silent. He was not sure why he had taken Hermione here. He had never showed anyone the place before. It had been a secret hide-out only for him during all these years. He had spent especially much time here during their last year. He couldn't remember what he used to do, mostly he just sat there trying to figure things out. Why did he have to bring Hermione here? Looking away from her he regretted his decision in the Great Hall. Fuck! But true enough, they had apparated there, she didn't really know how to get there..

"Hermione..." Draco didn't continue his sentence. When he turned to face her he noticed how her eyes were filled with tears. Was she crying? He had never seen her cry before. Did Hermione even know how to cry? It was Granger, the Granger who had punched him in third year, the Granger who dared arguing against Snape, the Granger who fought freaking Voldemort himself! How could she possibly cry? Draco did not know the answer to these questions, but he did know that the tears made her beautiful face even more beautiful.

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><p>As he saw the tears rolling down her beautiful cheeks he felt a strange commotion in his chest. He felt guilty. He was her boyfriend and was supposed to prevent these sorts of things happening to her, not create them. He was lost in a Whirlpool of emotions. All he wanted to do was to take her in his arms and protect her. Telling her that she would be safe if she stayed with him. But he knew he would not be able to do that forever and it would not help him in this situation either. She was a strong girl. That's was one of the many reasons he liked her so much. But to see her in this vulnerable.. It made his heart bleed. "Hermione.." he tried again. "What's wrong?"<p>

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><p>Hermione looked up at Draco. Why was she crying? She wasn't sure herself.<p>

It wasn't because of what had happened in the Great Hall. No, it was definitely not because of that. Despite the awkward confrontation she did not care what the rest of the school thought and said about her. No, the real reason was different. She then closed her eyes and saw Ron and Harry's faces in front of her. Their empty facial expressions, their eyes filled with the hurt and betrayal.. It wasn't because it was Malfoy, a Slytherin and a possible Death Eater. It was because she hadn't told them.

Hermione, Ron and Harry had been through so much together. She would give her life for them and she knew they would do the same for her. They were her best friends. And here she was, with Draco. Hermione had avoided Harry and Ron for several weeks and now they had to find out this way. But that wasn't the reason she was so upset. She knew she'd hurt her friends so badly... And despite that, she was thinking about Malfoy. When she looked at him everything else faded away. Draco and Hermione, alone in the whole wide world.

She drew in a deep breath and looked into his eyes, ignoring the beautiful view and the morning sun.

"I love you."

* * *

><p>She slightly trembled when she said these three words, but he didn't think she even noticed. He on the other hand stood very still. The only thing that could indicate that he was still alive, aside from the fact that he still stood up, was his deep breaths. Did she cry because she didn't want to be in love with him, or because she thought the feelings wasn't returned or because she just had found out, scared by the epiphany. He wasn't sure, but the moment she had said those three words, he knew he felt the same way. And if it was one of the two latest facts that had scared her, he could save her. Make her feel safe. And really he had 23 chance of success, so why wouldn't he take the chance? Still without having dropped her gaze he told her the three words he hadn't told a living soul. Not even to his mother.

"I love you too."

She was still shocked that she actually had said those words, and was even more shocked when he returned the phrase. But the shock only lingered for a moment before it was replaced by joy. A wide smile found its way up to her face, and she could feel her grin almost become radiant but she did not care. It was not every day you confessed your love to someone and got the same response. So she felt she deserved to look a little loony for the moment. It was a mixture of the epiphany and the horror that he might not feel the same way that had made her cry in the first place. But now the tears rolling down her cheeks was not born from horror, but from happiness, joy and delight. She was just so unbelievably happy and did not know how to voice her feelings to him. So she did the one thing she could think of that would show at least a good part of how she felt. She closed the space between them, stretched up on her toes, locked her hands behind his neck and kissed him with all her heart.

* * *

><p>And then they shagged the living daylights out of each other.<p>

* * *

><p>Well, Hermione wouldn't say that she and Draco had shagged the daylights out of each other, but it was for sure not far away.<p>

"That was.. Nice." She said, leaning her head on Draco's bare chest.

Draco smiled softly. "Hermione, you have to tell them. The longer you wait the worse it'll get."

Oh no. Did he have to bring it up again? Hermione tried to feel annoyed but she knew he was right. She couldn't just keep ignoring her friends. She imagined the three of them standing in the Gryffindor common room, her own face filled with guilt and their with anguish and disgust. Oh no. How could she tell them? Is it even allowed by law to discuss these kind of things with best friends?

Like the wonderful boyfriend he was, Draco knew what was going on inside Hermione's head.

"Hey, it's okay you know. Maybe we should go to the kitchen and get something to eat first?"

She still couldn't believe she actually was this lucky. She was just about to lean in for another kiss when she was interrupted by her rumbling stomach. "Food sounds good", she said while she got up and got dressed.

Together they apparated to another corridor where Hermione could smell the food. They were just walking around a corner when she saw the eyes she definitely did not want to see..


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: Welcome, welcome, welcome… The soon-to-be weekly update has arrived. Enjoy. **_

**Chapter 3**

**Annoying Occurrences**

She didn't know how the day possibly could get any worse. First the really awkward moment in the Great Hall, and was Victor Krum walking right towards them in the Hogwarts kitchen hall? What was happening with the world today? And what the HELL did Victor Krum do at her school, let alone in the kitchen area?

Draco noticed that Hermione had slowed her pace down at the sight of him, and Draco remembered that they used to date. The thought of them dating spread a unwelcomed feeling in his chest. Was it jealousy perhaps? Hmmm.. This was new. He hadn't experienced this feeling for quite some time, and never in this type of situation.

"Hermione" Victor's voice interrupted his thoughts. He gave Draco a disgusting look before he returned his eyes to Hermione. "I have been thinking about you and I think we made a horrible mistake when we broke up." Draco made a snorting noise at this. He could not believe what this pompous buffoon was saying to HIS girlfriend and in front of him nonetheless! This earned him an angry look from Krum and a puzzled from Hermione. "Maybe this should be a conversation for our eyes only..?" Krum continued, directing the question to Hermione. Only now seemed to realize that this was a conversation not to be taken in front of other people. Duh, Draco thought and rolled his eyes. Like he was going to leave now!

At the same time Hermione agreed with Victor. She didn't like where this conversation was going but she was more afraid that Draco would flip and try to beat Krum into a bloody pulp. She turned to Draco and looked into his eyes, trying to transfer her feelings to him. "It's okay" she said to him. He only stared back like she had become mental. "I'll meet you in the kitchen in ten, okay?"

"Ten minutes, and not a minute later." was his response and threw a heated look at Krum before he walked past them and into the kitchen.

* * *

><p>He froze instantly once he came inside the kitchen. He heard the large wooden doors swing shut behind him. Besides that everyone in the kitchen had shut up when he walked through the doors. He wasn't alone with the houseelfs as he had expected. He stared right at his two best friends. He was instantly relieved that he'd left Hermione in the corridor.<p>

"We wondered when you would show up here," Blaise said with a rather plain voice.

"Wh... What..?" Draco stammered. It wasn't something he usually did, and he felt quite ashamed of because it was so uncharacteristic of him , but he was so startled.

"You get cranky when you don't eat" Pansy notified matter of factly.

"So usually when you miss you meals, especially breakfast, you tend to end up here. So we waited for you. You took your time though.." the last sentence was added with a sour note.

"Humpf," Draco said. It was the only thing he could say, really. Was he that predictable? He was a little offended really, but moved at the same time. He was still stunned by seeing them and how relaxed they acted around this I'm-together-with-Hermione deal.

As if Blaise had just read his mind he said, still matter of factly, "We knew you were in love with someone, because the last couple of weeks you've acted like you've lived in your on little world and haven't even had a sneak-peek outside."

"So when we saw you with Hermione this morning you confirmed our believes" Pansy continued.

Draco stood there awestruck and watched his friends.

"You're okay with me dating Hermione?" It was a question and not a fact which further proved that he had completely lost his wits and was about to go to loony town. A Malfoy never asked in such a manor. They demanded.

"Well, we concluded that you already tried all the girls in Slytherin that had something going on up here," Pansy knocked her fingers against her skull, "and we would rather have you date someone from Gryffindor than some bimbo who can't tell the difference between a donkey and a zebra.."

"Plus, you seem happy being with the girl, and that's all we can ask for, really." Blaise continued.

"Umm thanks. I really appreciate you being so calm around all this, it makes me hope that someday everything will calm down." Pansy chuckled and Blaise's mouth twisted into a smile.

"The world will never slow down around you," Blaise murmured, shaking his head, but still with the smile on his lips.

"So give us the dirty details before I have to kill you for hearing gossip from someone else. You know I only settle for gossip from the source. So spit it out!" And when Pansy was excited there was not a power on earth that could stop her.

* * *

><p>"Victor. What?"<p>

It took all of Hermione's willpower to speak those two words. She was completely paralyzed. What. The. Hell. What was Victor doing here? Victor Krum, the best seeker in the world and blah blah. Victor who had broken her heart several years ago.

She saw how Victor was staring at the spot where Draco had last been seen before he turned back around.

"What were you doing with him?"

Merlin's pants. She had been expecting a "what are you doing here?" or "get out of my way". Not this. Was he actually jealous of Malfoy? But why? She could remember the day like it had been yesterday. They spent a few weeks together during the summer between her fourth and fifth year. It had been wonderful until she found him getting a bit too friendly with a couple of her cousins. When she stormed out of the room he had come running after her and she thought he would apologize and beg her to take him back. Instead he had asked if she had a key to the door so that there would be no more annoying interruptions.

And now, here he was. Taking a step forward, closing the distance between them. Uh oh. Hermione didn't like were this was going. Not at all.

"Uhm. Victor. Why are you here? I didn't expect finding you here..." She did not quite know how to continue. Of course she had gotten over him quite quickly all those years ago, but he had just taken her by surprise.

"I am here for a few weeks, I'm supposed to teach quidditch and be the coach of the houses' different teams. Dumbledore asked me to come."

At least he had gotten rid of that stupid accent of his. Almost. But there was something different in his face. Two feelings that she didn't quite recognize. One of them, she suspected to be jealousy. Although she could not for the world understand why he was jealous. And was he actually stepping closer? Oh god. She could hear him breathing now.

"But really, I am here because.. I want you back Hermione." And then he leaned forward and kissed her.

Maybe that was proof of that Victor Krum was anything but predictable.


	4. Chapter 4

**_A/N:_ We have now edited chapter 4 of our epic and awesome and wonderful story. We are both certain you will do nothing but enjoy this holy thing called Fanfiction Written By Email. The editing was done on Monday.. And today it happens to be Sunday. I hope you all can forgive me, ThreeUnicorns, for this delay. I'M SO SORRY! I'M SO SORRY I'M GONNA DIE! She says, quoting Despicable Me. I do that in school sometimes but no-one understands.****Now, back to business.**

**Chapter 4**

_**Wet and Sloppy Kisses**_

Proof or not, if felt wrong. The kiss was too wet and sloppy. Not at all like Draco's delicate but firm kisses. One point to Draco. A couple of years ago, this was all she had wished for, but now all she really could concentrate on - besides his awful kissing technique - was the taste of garlic. The bloke had eaten garlic before he came here, how dumb could one possible be? At least Draco always made sure his breath was good, which is what all girls ask for. One major point more to Draco, for those who keep score. Hermione put her hands against Victor's broad chest and started pushing herself away. But he seemed unaware of her denial, which made her push even harder away from him. But his strong hands kept good hold of her hair and lower back, so her attempts were futile. Her shock started to vanish and was replaced by a rising anger. She didn't kiss him back and was trying to push him away. Take the hint!

Now it was just creepy. Really glad that her mom had forced her to some self-defense classes she took hold of his shoulders to keep her balance. The stupid git apparently took this as a sign of approval and started wiping his tongue around her mouth like a bloody mixer. Yuck. Hermione tensed her knee and shoved it up his groin with all force she could muster. Victor stopped abruptly and hunched double with a humpf. Hermione took some steps back with a satisfied smirk on her pretty features and watched him roll over in pain. Hermione didn't usually take advantage of other people's misery and pain, but the look on Victors face was priceless. His eyes had rolled up his head and his face was as red as a tomato. This must be Draco rubbing off on her and, by Merlin, wouldn't he be proud of her.

"You psychotic bitch!" Victor yelled at a still grinning Hermione.

Out of the kitchen Draco came running at the sound of yells with Blaise and Pansy not far behind. His eyes darted between a red-blotched Victor Krum lying on the ground to a grinning Hermione.

"What happened?" He asked Hermione, totally ignorant to the man on the ground still twisting in pain. Hermione turned to Draco and was about to answer but Krum beat her to it.

"The freak kicked me in the groin that's what happened!"

Behind Draco, Blaise uttered a low whistle that was followed by Pansy's "Good job, Granger!"

Meanwhile Draco watched Hermione with new appreciation. He took her under his arm and kissed her on her mocha curls.

"I'm proud of you" he whispered and she could swear she could feel his smirk against her head.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Are you hungry? Because I'm starving. Let's go and see if we can find something edible in the kitchen."

The four of them headed once again towards the kitchen and left Victor Krum lying on the floor watching them leave.

* * *

><p>Draco walked behind the others. He watched Hermione as she walked with Pansy, talking about what seemed to be her history with that Krum. Krum scum. Blaise had disappeared as soon as they'd left Krum. Draco thought he'd heard the message which had involved something about Filch's cat and to be honest, he wasn't interested in any details. No, he was pretty focused on the situation that just had occurred down the hall. He was pretty sure Hermione and Krum had kissed. And he was guessing, that was why they had found Krum on the floor, writhing in agony. He did not doubt Hermione's love to him. No, their moment in the tower earlier was proof of that his love was answered. The problem now was Victor. He'd heard how Hermione told Pansy that Victor was going to stay here for several weeks. Unfortunately for Krum, Draco was a Malfoy. And Malfoys did not leave things like this without some kind of revenge.<p>

* * *

><p>Hermione stood with her back against Draco and Pansy while making tea because she was really freaking out. She had kicked Krum in the nuts and she was happy about it! She really needed to let a steaming hot cup of tea sooth her nerves. Trying to gather her wits one last time with a deep breath she turned around and put the teapot on the table. Pansy was on her feet gathering three cups from one of many cupboards so she alone met Draco's studying liquid grey eyes. Her nerves hopped right back up again and she felt like there was a neon sign above her head reading: <em>I was kissed by Victor "the Scum" Krum". <em>As if he had read her mind he broke the awkward silence with the question she had dreaded for the last quarter.

"He kissed you, didn't he." It was more of a statement than question actually, but she felt obligated to answer.

"Yeah, he did. I'm sorry. I tried to shove him away when I first realized what was about to happen but he was too strong. So, yeah he kissed me but only for about a couple of seconds, then I kicked him." She had sat down in a chair and was now holding her head between her hands with her elbows popped up on the table. Even though she had looked down for the most part of her little confession she managed to notice his lip twisting at the end of it.

"You do know that you're awfully sexy right know, don't you?" She raised her eyebrows at the sudden twist of the conversation.

"I like this untamed Hermione, she's so… What's the word… Unpredictable. Yeah, that's it. It's fun!" He dodged the friendly slap she tried to place on his shoulder and chuckled. So did she. He loved her laugh and was happy that he had managed avoid any awkwardness between them. But now he knew the whole story and Krum was going to pay. He even might need assistance for this revenge - and that's saying something about the majority of it all. Luckily he had friends who where almost as good at revenge and pranks as Draco himself. It was time to gather the crew once again. Yes, Nott and Zabini were going to help him with the most epic revenge-prank of all times, and he knew they wouldn't let him down.


End file.
